Friday Jokes
Re: Friday Jokes
and then...
- Stoneboat
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Re: Friday Jokes
OFSO wrote:Must be getting old - went out of the kitchen last night, left the gas on under the alphabet soup - it boiled over and spelled disaster.
Ok, this thread can now be closed. Nothing's gonna top that.
(OFSO consider that one stolen.)
- dubbleyew eight
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Re: Friday Jokes
whats the difference between a good drummer in a band and a bad drummer....
one bucks up the feet, the other...
one bucks up the feet, the other...
- dubbleyew eight
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Re: Friday Jokes
what is the difference between a pun and a fart?
a pun is a shift of wit...
a pun is a shift of wit...
Re: Friday Jokes
Oh well:
What is the difference between a circus and a chorus line?
A circus is an array of cunning stunts.
What is the difference between a circus and a chorus line?
A circus is an array of cunning stunts.
Re: Friday Jokes
What a way to go…
A woman in the state of Washington has been accused of killing her boyfriend by smothering him with her breasts. Donna Lange, 51, apparently argued with her fella, and then used her superior size to kill him with her boobs.
It sounds like something from a Russ Meyer movie, especially when the incident took place in their trailer. It’s probably not as fun as it sounds, but still, smothered between boobs is definitely one of the nicer ways to go I’d imagine.
This isn’t the first time someone has been smothered by boobs, a while back the UK had a similar story with a happier ending:
And in that incident the buxom almost-killer, Claire Smedley translated her fame into a fascinating career in porn.
A woman in the state of Washington has been accused of killing her boyfriend by smothering him with her breasts. Donna Lange, 51, apparently argued with her fella, and then used her superior size to kill him with her boobs.
It sounds like something from a Russ Meyer movie, especially when the incident took place in their trailer. It’s probably not as fun as it sounds, but still, smothered between boobs is definitely one of the nicer ways to go I’d imagine.
This isn’t the first time someone has been smothered by boobs, a while back the UK had a similar story with a happier ending:
And in that incident the buxom almost-killer, Claire Smedley translated her fame into a fascinating career in porn.
- OFSO
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Re: Friday Jokes
Just read this in a review of the Enziana Hotel in Vienna, on Trip Advisor:
The only ventilation was a couple of widows.
The mind boggles !
The only ventilation was a couple of widows.
The mind boggles !
- dubbleyew eight
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Re: Friday Jokes
just back from thailand and I came so close to shagging a lady boy.
looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady...
it was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time I thought "hang on a darn minute...."
looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady...
it was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time I thought "hang on a darn minute...."
- 500N
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Re: Friday Jokes
dubbleyew eight wrote:just back from thailand and I came so close to shagging a lady boy.
looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady...
it was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time I thought
"hang on a darn minute...."
W8
You need to watch Crocodile Dundee and learn a thing or two from Mick
about the "squirrel grip"
[bbvideo=560,315]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fzrE8lGJds[/bbvideo]
Re: Friday Jokes
An oldie but a goodun.
The girlfriend dumped him and refused to say why.
He argued that after five years together she owed him an explanation and she finally agreed, saying "It's mainly because you are so uncouth".
"Uncouth !, UNCOUTH !", he shouted.
"I take you to the opera, and the ballet, and all that bleeding faeces !"
The girlfriend dumped him and refused to say why.
He argued that after five years together she owed him an explanation and she finally agreed, saying "It's mainly because you are so uncouth".
"Uncouth !, UNCOUTH !", he shouted.
"I take you to the opera, and the ballet, and all that bleeding faeces !"
Old enough to know better.
- Stoneboat
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Re: Friday Jokes
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The Statie walks up to the car and taps on the driver's window with his night stick. The driver rolls his window down and WHACK! the Trooper smacks him up side the head with the stick.
"What the hell was that for" yells the driver after the bells stop ringing.
"You're in Texas son, when we pull you over you'd better have your license and registration handy when we get to you car."
"Sorry officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the driver's license and registration, and he's clean. He gives the guy back his papers, then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The shotgun rolls his window down and WHACK! the cop smacks him up side the head with his night stick.
"What the @#$% did you do that for?" yells the passenger.
"Just making your wish come true" replies the cop.
"Making what wish come true?"
The cop says "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy there and say 'I wish that co%^$#@*&r would've tried that faeces with me!"
"What the hell was that for" yells the driver after the bells stop ringing.
"You're in Texas son, when we pull you over you'd better have your license and registration handy when we get to you car."
"Sorry officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the driver's license and registration, and he's clean. He gives the guy back his papers, then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The shotgun rolls his window down and WHACK! the cop smacks him up side the head with his night stick.
"What the @#$% did you do that for?" yells the passenger.
"Just making your wish come true" replies the cop.
"Making what wish come true?"
The cop says "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy there and say 'I wish that co%^$#@*&r would've tried that faeces with me!"
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Re: Friday Jokes
Santa is loading his presents on a sleigh, checking the reins on the reindeer, kicking the sleigh skids etc....and a friendly guy from CAA / FAA / CASA walks up with a shot gun....
Well somone had to right??
Well somone had to right??
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go... Oscar Wilde
- Stoneboat
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Re: Friday Jokes
It is alleged that Ronnie Corbett once read this on BBC TV without missing a beat or cracking a smile.
Rindercilla And The Dyslexic Princess.
Rindercilla and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercilla worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly itches. One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swallocks. They were really forrible huckers and had featy sweet.
The sugly isters tad hickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercilla go. Suddenly there was a bucking FANG! and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercilla to be back by midnight, otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball Rindercilla was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "For sucks fake!" yelled Rindercilla as she ran out, tripping barse over allocks and dropping her slass glipper.
The next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercilla's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and cut a fig bart. "Who fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there," said Mary Hinge. When the brinking stown cloud had lifted the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking fank. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercilla and it fitted pucking ferfectly. They mere warried and haved lippily ever after.
Rindercilla And The Dyslexic Princess.
Rindercilla and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercilla worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly itches. One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swallocks. They were really forrible huckers and had featy sweet.
The sugly isters tad hickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercilla go. Suddenly there was a bucking FANG! and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercilla to be back by midnight, otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball Rindercilla was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "For sucks fake!" yelled Rindercilla as she ran out, tripping barse over allocks and dropping her slass glipper.
The next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercilla's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and cut a fig bart. "Who fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there," said Mary Hinge. When the brinking stown cloud had lifted the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking fank. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercilla and it fitted pucking ferfectly. They mere warried and haved lippily ever after.
- Wodrick
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Re: Friday Jokes
It is alleged that Ronnie Corbett once read this on BBC TV without missing a beat or cracking a smile.
Nit picking I know but I seem to remember it was the other half, Ronnie Barker, he did regular, similar pieces. Wonderful though.
https://www.wunderground.com/dashboard/pws/ITORRO10?cm_ven=localwx_pwsdash
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Re: Friday Jokes
It sure was Ronnie Barker, also known as Gerard Wiley. Even when he performed as one of the Two Ronnies he would submit material under this nom de plume so that, if chosen, it would be on its own merit. A very funny man!
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Re: Friday Jokes
Indeed it was as Gerald Wiley that he wrote "fork handles". One of the greatest pieces of English humour ever written.